Nightmare in Motherhood!?

“See I don’t trust you as much as I trust my younger daughter. She pretends to be like you, but she is very different, she is caring and responsible- like a care taker! You just have your own good life that is my major concern for now!” she ended up while insulting my care and concern for my family. It’s not just once, she did it for several times. Earlier, it wasn’t rudeness but the fear out of concern! Now it sounds more like her rudeness however it is not and it is still her concern.

When same person says same thing for many times, or different people curse you for same thing, definitely, something is wrong with you. After realizing this, you still stay same and then you regret about your habits of being wrong for them. You just can’t help it. Though you never wanted it, you have already hurt bunch of people who are affectionate towards you or may be towards their own feelings.

Last night, I just thought about it. Graph was not planned but very much messy. Right from my food habits, everything is just not up to the mark. Her concern is like an ordinary motherhood- something like-who will marry her? Will she get good life? Will she recover with her backbone pain? Will her groom accept her with spects, teeth, and looks? Will her smartness prove unnecessary and foolish? Or will she get the happiness? Everything is visionary. Well in that case, I am not at all visionary. As she says always, “I live temporary life”. My concern and emotions are gambler; they play with themselves and ultimately end up with great wall of depression. She knows it very well; in fact she was the one who recognized it first. Hence I was crucial topic of her untold personal anxiety.

Many times, she asked me so many questions. According to her, they are the easiest questions for girls to answer, but I find them difficult. Something like-What kind of color sheds suits her? Isn’t it a great bag? Do you want to buy this kurta? What kind of guy you are looking for? … On and on and on….. It’s not like I don’t answer them but I slowly answer them. Well I proceed slowly almost for everything; and that is another concern. “In girl’s life, you can’t decide everything so slowly. You have to get job, you have to get married, you have to raise child, be fast! Decide fast!” Biologically and mentally, this task is damn vast and never ended. And I run with the speed of turtle. It’s not like I am lazy or slow. It’s the way I live my life. Slow, Unstable, and clueless!

Ultimately, I became the only nightmare for her.

"Separate"

Shwetambara Sawnt

You just look for something called 'love', yaa?

Like a curious dove!

You are so damn hopeful

And that is seriously pitiful

Ya, it’s you in that mirror

See, your surrounding is an error!

Because,

Your attempt of Love,

Your attempt of Sacrifice,

Your attempt to Prove,

Your attempt to Care,

ask you to get

"Separate"

from them ….

And you just follow them?!

I Give Up!

Shwetambara Sawant

I always tried to understand you!

But when I did that, I lost myself into you!

Then, I tried to find me in you!

But this hunt leads nowhere!

And I give up, give up!

Honestly, I hate either me or you!

I’m not sure, sure!

When the romance flowered between us!

I got overwhelm with the love for you!

But you behave like a mighty king,

That makes me feel like a Slave

Hence, I died for a dialogue

Huh,

And I give up, give up!

Honestly, I hate either me or you!

I’m not sure, sure!

Still I gave a chance to both of us!

You didn’t understand my love attempt

And you meant, my ‘Kiss’ is just a Lust

By rule, I was melting with wounded heart!

Still I hold a breath, But YOU gave up

So I give up, give up!

Honestly, I hate either me or you!

I’m not sure, sure!

Once more, I heard the Public Claim,

“You are gross that you crying for that lame!”

Shit, this time I am wounded overall

So it’s better to say ‘Goodbye’ before my psyche fall!

With a laugh, (hahahha) I banged you on the wall!

Phew

And Then, I give up, give up

Honestly, I hate – not me but you!

Yaah, and I am sure, Sure,

Like I never before!

Ruined!

Beautiful moments just passed across me,

I enjoyed them!

Relations were about to tag with names,

But then same shit happened again.

Denial for whatever I am! And then…

I said “Good Bye” to them with Loads of sweetness!

People were surprised! It’s ok! Coz even I was surprised!

God swear, I was so natural at those moments.

At the very usual evening, I was looking for a way

But suddenly stuck into ghosts from past!

They were not many! Though they were vast, deep and carved, they did not sound like nightmares!

Still, while considering them as hard rocks in the flow, I tried to rub them with Acid strength!

And forcefully made them Smaller than my life!

Once again, like any other day, I promised to me!

But the ghost of the day just reminded me something,-

“With a Superficial Heart

And mechanically rational mind

You just blew off the moments!

Once again, you did injustice to all my feelings!

Without making any efforts at the halt, you just moved on!”

Oh god, this was the very frequent complaint about me!

Isn’t this thing Sad? … I thought for a long time, asked and heard people

Just to know more about me!

And they said that I was born as ruined!

Myself

I was in the bus. A school girl sitting next to me was a perfect recall of my past personality. I was exactly like her- fat, fleshy, nerd with round frame -big spectacles! As I came back home, I saw my old photograph and compared it with my ‘face book’ profile picture! I am not the same I was in my past and I am absolutely fine with it.

What I was in school? A geek/nerd, a girl who is never been looked by a guy of her age! Among the students, I was just an object to get envy, to get teased. This was so damn depressive for a girl like me! But then I do not remember how I had handled myself in those days? Actually I was without friends. So from that day onwards, the term called ‘Friend’ has become very fake and abrupt, at least for me! I think that friends are those individuals with whom I can celebrate and enjoy and sometimes I can share my dilemmas. Now there is no definite friend in my life! When I made myself strong to accept this fact, I realized that I have to ready to accept new things and new experience in my life without defining them right or wrong, or good or bad! I am not judgmental and I believe that people and situation do change and hence the results are not similar always. But at the same time, I never give my 100% dedication to someone’s life! Maybe it is never more than 40%.

The only strength in me is that I am very positive towards my life! I have vision, maybe it is not clear yet, but I want to work for it! Being a social animal, I hate emptiness and loneliness! Interestingly, I am very sincere student but I am not a serious person. I am happy to take responsibility at the work. But when it comes to relationship, I always found myself unprepared for being responsible. I don’t believe in guilt, because it always saturates your life. I like halts but not on the frozen lands! I believe or I learned that life is like a stream. It flows and it changes. And I like that.

Everyone learn to live the life! Even I do! I learn that the people around you are for to respect, to love, to hate, to criticize, to help, to kick, to envy, to laugh and to get entertain. And you should give everyone what they deserve. So it is a very rational process in the life!

Once in my school trip, I was having a logical conversation with my class teacher. He told me, “You are closed like a box! You don’t allow people to enter in your life!” but now when I look at myself, I am no more like a box! It is proper stream, and when it changes- When the stream changes direction, it is not that 'I am looking for an escape' but it is like ‘I am looking for something more..."

yes, I am that Positive!

काय म्हणावं याला!

या जगात दोन टाईपची लोक असतात,

जी डोळ्यात स्वप्न घेऊन जगतात, आणि काही डोळ्यात स्वप्न खूपसून जगतात!

मला या स्वप्न खूपसलेल्या डोळ्यांचा लई (खूप) हेवा वाटो बघा!

ते असो! पण डोळ्यातली स्वप्न आज काल डोळ्यातच राहतात!

बरचसं आयुष्य पोरगा किंवा पोरगी पटवण्य़ात निघून जातं! मगं त्यानंतरचा वेळ त्यांची दिशाभूल करण्यात नाहीतर त्यांचे चोचले पुरवण्यात जातो! बरं मग आता हे चोचले वगैरे पुरवून झाले की मग, त्या नाजूक किंवा त्या आडदांड हि-याबरोबर सेटल होण्याचे वेध लागतात. सेटल होण्यासाठीचा उतावीळपणा तर अगदी व्हिडीयोशूट करण्यासारखा फिल्मी असतो! कशीबशी पैशाची कसरत करून थोडी जमापुंजी जमा केली की लाजेखातर एक मोठ्या लगीन-सोहळ्याचा थाट करा! आणि मग ‘नव्याने सुरूवात’ करावी लागते सगळ्याची! आई गं!!! हिमतीला दाद द्यावी म्हणावं! मग थोडी आणखी हिम्मत करून- ब्रॅन्जेलिना म्हणा, नाहीतर अ‍ॅशअभी म्हणा नाहीतर, तुमच्या माझ्यासारखे नवरा-बायको ‘फिरायला’ जातात! फिरून आल्यावर वर्षभरात काम आटपून मूला-बाळांच्या तयारीला लागतात! आणि मग मूल-बाळ झाली की परत इतर-तुमच्या-माझ्या आई-बाबांसारखं नरडा दुखे पर्यंत त्या पोरांच्या मागे ओरडत राहतात! आणि हो! आपल्या ‘भूत-कृत्याचा’ आढावा तथा पश्चाताप करतात.

पण हे सर्व होण्याआधी समजात एक इंटरेस्टींग जात आहे, जी केवळ इथे बघ्याची भूमिका करतात! म्हंजे मैत्रिणीच्या लग्नात मेहंदी काढा, मैत्रिण आणि तिच्या मित्राची अतिबालिश भांडण सोडवा, मित्राच्या गलफ्रेंडला बहीण माना, किंवा मित्राच्या लग्नात पोरी पटवण्याचा अपयशी प्रयत्न करा, किंवा आपल्याला अतोनात आवडणा-या मुलाच लग्न अटेंड करा! जाउ दे....जास्त बोलत नाही उगीच डोळ्यात पाणी येईल!

तर मी म्हणत होते की आज काल बराचसा वेळ हा नाती बनवण्यात आणि पुढे ती टिकवून ठेवण्यातच निघून जातो. खासकरून बराचसा वेळ हा, उत्तम प्रियकर शोधण्यात आणि नंतर उत्तम प्रियकर बनण्यातच निघून जातो! काय म्हणाव याला!

About a friend!

I met him in the summer of last august! I seriously do not remember how we have started talking with each other. I mean, you know, that particular scene where I actually started talking with this guy… nope I do not remember that much! What I remember is that till the November 2010, he became my very good and close friend like Priya, Arti, Aishwarya!

Since long time, he was asking me to write something on Kashmir; he allows me to write anything what I feel about Kashmir, he even suggested me to write something on Human interest. But I said ‘no’ because I was illiterate about entire conflict. (Here ‘illiterate’ means not that I am not aware about Kashmir but it was like I was pretty much away from the facts about Kashmir!)

So I was talking about a guy I met in the last August! Well I used to notice him along with Priya Gaikwad. But from the very first day my intentions were clear that he is good looking guy who knows that he looks good! So my approach towards him was like a friend! Earlier he was like a person who does not bother about professor, lectures, and assignments and trust me, he doesn’t! But I was seriously surprised when I came to know he is not a guy with blind faith in Indian government! And then what was my reaction? Was I frustrated? Did I start hating him? No! I don’t. There was the moment when I seriously furious on him! A big conversation where me and Aishwarya were actually having debates with him! And he was just enjoying it! I wrote a big note for him and posted it on facebook, he read it and many people commented on it, (few days back I deleted that post! lolz) but then again on next day, all is well! We started talking.

My school teacher once told me, “When you say to him or her ‘you are my friend’, you should accept him or her the way he or she is!” Soon I started following it with his case also! And I came to know what he is! Interestingly, few days back I came across with his unique identity, that this man is lot more occupied with the social life! And I do not find it absolutely good! He thinks about his land, wants to work for his land; and may be insecure about his life in Kashmir due to all kinds of militants! He wants to become a part of social life of Kashmir; he wants to become influential! He wants to work for Human rights; he wants to explain the plight of Kashmiri citizens! He wants to jump into that ocean where several other influential creatures are already playing with power and emotions! Good! He is ambitious like me! But I am worried that his ocean is different than mine! His ocean is more dangerous, violent and more than that the ocean is unpredictable! And you know generally…in these oceans, it is very difficult to understand what is wrong or right! You just keep on chasing pavements, sometimes they lead somewhere or sometimes they don’t! And if they do not lead somewhere, then definitely he should know how to find a different way or how to turn back!

Interestingly this guy denies the love and affection from a site of a girl who may love him most! I don’t know what is in his mind? Or may be I know? But still nothing is in hands of anyone! What I can wish that he will stay in touch! Otherwise if Indian government blocks the facebook or phone lines to Kashmir, then I don’t know where should I find him? Lolz. Apart from his sad Love-life, he is seriously a very lovely friend!

P.S. I do accept his thoughts and views, though I do not agree with them. I became liberal to accept his views. Still this fellow calls me ‘Commi’ !