Shwetambara Sawnt
You just look for something called 'love', yaa?
Like a curious dove!
You are so damn hopeful
And that is seriously pitiful
Ya, it’s you in that mirror
See, your surrounding is an error!
Because,
Your attempt of Love,
Your attempt of Sacrifice,
Your attempt to Prove,
Your attempt to Care,
ask you to get
"Separate"
from them ….
And you just follow them?!
Shwetambara Sawant
I always tried to understand you!
But when I did that, I lost myself into you!
Then, I tried to find me in you!
But this hunt leads nowhere!
And I give up, give up!
Honestly, I hate either me or you!
I’m not sure, sure!
When the romance flowered between us!
I got overwhelm with the love for you!
But you behave like a mighty king,
That makes me feel like a Slave
Hence, I died for a dialogue
Huh,
And I give up, give up!
Honestly, I hate either me or you!
I’m not sure, sure!
Still I gave a chance to both of us!
You didn’t understand my love attempt
And you meant, my ‘Kiss’ is just a Lust
By rule, I was melting with wounded heart!
Still I hold a breath, But YOU gave up
So I give up, give up!
Honestly, I hate either me or you!
I’m not sure, sure!
Once more, I heard the Public Claim,
“You are gross that you crying for that lame!”
Shit, this time I am wounded overall
So it’s better to say ‘Goodbye’ before my psyche fall!
With a laugh, (hahahha) I banged you on the wall!
Phew
And Then, I give up, give up
Honestly, I hate – not me but you!
Yaah, and I am sure, Sure,
Like I never before!
Beautiful moments just passed across me,
I enjoyed them!
Relations were about to tag with names,
But then same shit happened again.
Denial for whatever I am! And then…
I said “Good Bye” to them with Loads of sweetness!
People were surprised! It’s ok! Coz even I was surprised!
God swear, I was so natural at those moments.
At the very usual evening, I was looking for a way
But suddenly stuck into ghosts from past!
They were not many! Though they were vast, deep and carved, they did not sound like nightmares!
Still, while considering them as hard rocks in the flow, I tried to rub them with Acid strength!
And forcefully made them Smaller than my life!
Once again, like any other day, I promised to me!
But the ghost of the day just reminded me something,-
“With a Superficial Heart
And mechanically rational mind
You just blew off the moments!
Once again, you did injustice to all my feelings!
Without making any efforts at the halt, you just moved on!”
Oh god, this was the very frequent complaint about me!
Isn’t this thing Sad? … I thought for a long time, asked and heard people
Just to know more about me!
And they said that I was born as ruined!
I was in the bus. A school girl sitting next to me was a perfect recall of my past personality. I was exactly like her- fat, fleshy, nerd with round frame -big spectacles! As I came back home, I saw my old photograph and compared it with my ‘face book’ profile picture! I am not the same I was in my past and I am absolutely fine with it.
What I was in school? A geek/nerd, a girl who is never been looked by a guy of her age! Among the students, I was just an object to get envy, to get teased. This was so damn depressive for a girl like me! But then I do not remember how I had handled myself in those days? Actually I was without friends. So from that day onwards, the term called ‘Friend’ has become very fake and abrupt, at least for me! I think that friends are those individuals with whom I can celebrate and enjoy and sometimes I can share my dilemmas. Now there is no definite friend in my life! When I made myself strong to accept this fact, I realized that I have to ready to accept new things and new experience in my life without defining them right or wrong, or good or bad! I am not judgmental and I believe that people and situation do change and hence the results are not similar always. But at the same time, I never give my 100% dedication to someone’s life! Maybe it is never more than 40%.
The only strength in me is that I am very positive towards my life! I have vision, maybe it is not clear yet, but I want to work for it! Being a social animal, I hate emptiness and loneliness! Interestingly, I am very sincere student but I am not a serious person. I am happy to take responsibility at the work. But when it comes to relationship, I always found myself unprepared for being responsible. I don’t believe in guilt, because it always saturates your life. I like halts but not on the frozen lands! I believe or I learned that life is like a stream. It flows and it changes. And I like that.
Everyone learn to live the life! Even I do! I learn that the people around you are for to respect, to love, to hate, to criticize, to help, to kick, to envy, to laugh and to get entertain. And you should give everyone what they deserve. So it is a very rational process in the life!
Once in my school trip, I was having a logical conversation with my class teacher. He told me, “You are closed like a box! You don’t allow people to enter in your life!” but now when I look at myself, I am no more like a box! It is proper stream, and when it changes- When the stream changes direction, it is not that 'I am looking for an escape' but it is like ‘I am looking for something more..."
yes, I am that Positive!
या जगात दोन टाईपची लोक असतात,
जी डोळ्यात स्वप्न घेऊन जगतात, आणि काही डोळ्यात स्वप्न खूपसून जगतात!
मला या स्वप्न खूपसलेल्या डोळ्यांचा लई (खूप) हेवा वाटो बघा!
ते असो! पण डोळ्यातली स्वप्न आज काल डोळ्यातच राहतात!
बरचसं आयुष्य पोरगा किंवा पोरगी पटवण्य़ात निघून जातं! मगं त्यानंतरचा वेळ त्यांची दिशाभूल करण्यात नाहीतर त्यांचे चोचले पुरवण्यात जातो! बरं मग आता हे चोचले वगैरे पुरवून झाले की मग, त्या नाजूक किंवा त्या आडदांड हि-याबरोबर सेटल होण्याचे वेध लागतात. सेटल होण्यासाठीचा उतावीळपणा तर अगदी व्हिडीयोशूट करण्यासारखा फिल्मी असतो! कशीबशी पैशाची कसरत करून थोडी जमापुंजी जमा केली की लाजेखातर एक मोठ्या लगीन-सोहळ्याचा थाट करा! आणि मग ‘नव्याने सुरूवात’ करावी लागते सगळ्याची! आई गं!!! हिमतीला दाद द्यावी म्हणावं! मग थोडी आणखी हिम्मत करून- ब्रॅन्जेलिना म्हणा, नाहीतर अॅशअभी म्हणा नाहीतर, तुमच्या माझ्यासारखे नवरा-बायको ‘फिरायला’ जातात! फिरून आल्यावर वर्षभरात काम आटपून मूला-बाळांच्या तयारीला लागतात! आणि मग मूल-बाळ झाली की परत इतर-तुमच्या-माझ्या आई-बाबांसारखं नरडा दुखे पर्यंत त्या पोरांच्या मागे ओरडत राहतात! आणि हो! आपल्या ‘भूत-कृत्याचा’ आढावा तथा पश्चाताप करतात.
पण हे सर्व होण्याआधी समजात एक इंटरेस्टींग जात आहे, जी केवळ इथे बघ्याची भूमिका करतात! म्हंजे मैत्रिणीच्या लग्नात मेहंदी काढा, मैत्रिण आणि तिच्या मित्राची अतिबालिश भांडण सोडवा, मित्राच्या गलफ्रेंडला बहीण माना, किंवा मित्राच्या लग्नात पोरी पटवण्याचा अपयशी प्रयत्न करा, किंवा आपल्याला अतोनात आवडणा-या मुलाच लग्न अटेंड करा! जाउ दे....जास्त बोलत नाही उगीच डोळ्यात पाणी येईल!
तर मी म्हणत होते की आज काल बराचसा वेळ हा नाती बनवण्यात आणि पुढे ती टिकवून ठेवण्यातच निघून जातो. खासकरून बराचसा वेळ हा, उत्तम प्रियकर शोधण्यात आणि नंतर उत्तम प्रियकर बनण्यातच निघून जातो! काय म्हणाव याला!
I met him in the summer of last august! I seriously do not remember how we have started talking with each other. I mean, you know, that particular scene where I actually started talking with this guy… nope I do not remember that much! What I remember is that till the November 2010, he became my very good and close friend like Priya, Arti, Aishwarya!
Since long time, he was asking me to write something on Kashmir; he allows me to write anything what I feel about Kashmir, he even suggested me to write something on Human interest. But I said ‘no’ because I was illiterate about entire conflict. (Here ‘illiterate’ means not that I am not aware about Kashmir but it was like I was pretty much away from the facts about Kashmir!)
So I was talking about a guy I met in the last August! Well I used to notice him along with Priya Gaikwad. But from the very first day my intentions were clear that he is good looking guy who knows that he looks good! So my approach towards him was like a friend! Earlier he was like a person who does not bother about professor, lectures, and assignments and trust me, he doesn’t! But I was seriously surprised when I came to know he is not a guy with blind faith in Indian government! And then what was my reaction? Was I frustrated? Did I start hating him? No! I don’t. There was the moment when I seriously furious on him! A big conversation where me and Aishwarya were actually having debates with him! And he was just enjoying it! I wrote a big note for him and posted it on facebook, he read it and many people commented on it, (few days back I deleted that post! lolz) but then again on next day, all is well! We started talking.
My school teacher once told me, “When you say to him or her ‘you are my friend’, you should accept him or her the way he or she is!” Soon I started following it with his case also! And I came to know what he is! Interestingly, few days back I came across with his unique identity, that this man is lot more occupied with the social life! And I do not find it absolutely good! He thinks about his land, wants to work for his land; and may be insecure about his life in Kashmir due to all kinds of militants! He wants to become a part of social life of Kashmir; he wants to become influential! He wants to work for Human rights; he wants to explain the plight of Kashmiri citizens! He wants to jump into that ocean where several other influential creatures are already playing with power and emotions! Good! He is ambitious like me! But I am worried that his ocean is different than mine! His ocean is more dangerous, violent and more than that the ocean is unpredictable! And you know generally…in these oceans, it is very difficult to understand what is wrong or right! You just keep on chasing pavements, sometimes they lead somewhere or sometimes they don’t! And if they do not lead somewhere, then definitely he should know how to find a different way or how to turn back!
Interestingly this guy denies the love and affection from a site of a girl who may love him most! I don’t know what is in his mind? Or may be I know? But still nothing is in hands of anyone! What I can wish that he will stay in touch! Otherwise if Indian government blocks the facebook or phone lines to Kashmir, then I don’t know where should I find him? Lolz. Apart from his sad Love-life, he is seriously a very lovely friend!
P.S. I do accept his thoughts and views, though I do not agree with them. I became liberal to accept his views. Still this fellow calls me ‘Commi’ !
(3)
At the airport looking for the Cab
After long time!
He: (pretty loud as if he is talking to group of public) Guys, this treat is from me! I’m going to teach you for next year and a half! I will be in India for one and half year! I am happy; I hope you will enjoy my company!
She: (while getting into cab) you actually said this? I mean in this way you announced about YOUR recruitment in front of your student! And those guys applauded so happily that you’re gonna be their teacher for a year?
He: yaah! I know! As if I’m sure about their liking for me! I just realized it now! Everyone can’t be happy the way you became after I told you this!
She: Please! I knew it since last week about it and I am still without my treat! Huh?
He: tell me what do you want? (She gives a cold gaze) I mean … a movie or a trip or just foodie treat?
She: chuck it! I’m not a kid to ask u for a treat!
He: oh! You will only give a treat to your friends for this, won’t you? (Again her cold gaze) ok, I guess it is too much obsession of mine about me!
She: yes, yes it is! (He smiles and mischievously rubs into her hair) So what has Reema decided? Is she staying here wither your son?
He: No, she has a job and she does not like this place, I mean, India! My son will go with her, he has school with his friends.
She: fair enough!
He: I will stay at my colleague’s lodge at Delhi! And will come for weekend twice in a month to meet my brother and his family!
She: (sarcastically) so you will go to Pune for weekend – in that slow city?
He: yaah! Ha-ha… (With smile of confession) you know …. I am just saying this!
She: Yaaaayyyiiiuuupppp!
He: you know, I can’t manage with them! Especially when your ex is there!
She: (with furious face) he was not my Ex! And if you…
He: so what was he? I mean what was that?
She: I don’t know! It was one of the stories that I skipped! I know I did not end it properly but still!
He: no, you did- you finish the problem- you solved it! Why do you always feel that you can’t solve the issues or can’t handle the situations? The way you handle them, it makes me feel relax and empty and I feel to move forward. You are like a morning for me! Always new!
She: (looking innocently with smile) thank you! You do not lie to me!
He: I don’t lie at least with you!
She: I don’t bother about such things!
He: sometimes you sound like ‘Beyond Normal!’
She: I hope u don’t mean that I’m abnormal?
He: it’s something like supernatural!
She: eww…weird!
He: weird! Right! (Silently sitting in the cab)
(She is getting down from the cab!)
She: you’ll be alone in India!
He: No, I am not alone!
She: liar, u told me just now!
He: No, I didn’t! But I am not alone here, that’s for sure! (And she gets the point)
She: (with mixed feeling) Bye!
He: See you!
(She stands still, looking at the cab going away from her eyes. She is thinking something deep. The unwanted feeling makes her unstable and anxious!)
(2)
At the restaurant in the evening
She: What’s up with the dinner?
He: its here!
She: Yah, but u supposed to be with your family!
He: Yes, but they are towards Pune!
She: And you didn’t go? Why?
He: Oh Come on! I didn’t because I don’t want to go! Pune is slow and I’m bloody NewYorker!
She: that is the most childish reason I have ever heard from you! Interestingly you are devaluating your level. First stupid reason and then dinner in the non-elite restaurant!
He: ha ha! It’s funny! Seriously! Whatever... in this restaurant I will have Pavbhaji or Dosa!
She: No, I will have Roti n vegetables! (Looking into menu card) Why we are here? We can go somewhere to drink!
He: (with sarcastic tone) Yah! What else?
She: No seriously! … What? You don’t believe that I drink?
He: Again, is it something from your FAKE- part of life that you forget to explain me that day?
She: No… no. It’s very much original. In fact pretty much hereditary!
He: Oh! So your parents should know it!
She: what’s your problem? Do you want me to die single with sorrowful memories of yours?
He: definitely Not!
She: thank you! … I drink when I’m frustrated, it’s very much like a relief and I guess it’s a general use of Alcohol.
He: now you are talking like a common-ordinary man- I mean woman!
She: well, I am!
He: common man does not fall in love with….
She: (silently and mischieviously) that is just an uncommon behavior and trust me it will be common soon! Apart from that you cannot discuss my privacy as or for your reference! Okay?
He: (with smile) hmmm….. … … Pavbhaji is nice!
She: yahh this restaurant is famous for this!
Silence for a while!
He: so what are the future plans?
She: Looking for a job! Do you have any?
He: If I would have any, you won’t be unemployed yet!
She: yaah! Right!
He: so apart from your professional life, is any future plan for your life?
She: Plans? … Personal life is much more related to emotions and feelings! I can’t deliberately plan for it! And then….
He: don’t give me that bullshit like teenage girl who just dream first happily and then kill them!
She: it’s bullshit? So what you did that was very much planned and sensible? Huh? You married to Reema because you both were in same profession and pretty much successful in it. Then you had a baby. According to your plan at the age of 30 you were with your family and now at the age of 35 you realized that you are not in love with your wife but still you can love someone? And yaah right! And I guess I am the victim of it…oh or I should say ‘I am the subject of your experiment of your feeling of emotion? This was your plan? Future plan?
He: are you done?
She: NO. And yaah, you said about dreams! Well I don’t kill them, I experience them at any cost and that is why I am here with you! Got you?
He: Now you are done?
She: yes and now I need a beer!
He: NO, now we will have Ice-cream and will walk on!
She: yah! Sure it’s your turn professor to give a lecture!
He: it’s not a lecture but an advice!
She: oh my mom says same, trust me!
He: Do you think, without planning will you lead somewhere? I mean is THIS will lead somewhere? You will face confusion and many mind conflicts! See you are still ready to meet me whenever I call you! Why? It won’t go anywhere, will it?
She: oh god! You are right! I CAME TO MEET YOU! It’s like I am playing with myself- with my feelings!
He: exactly! And you thought, you have respect for your feelings!
She: (with a gaze) hmmm…. (Then casually) I will finish this ice-cream and then I will leave and won’t meet you though you call! Promise!
He: you are not serious! I myself sound like a fool lunatic!
She: uffff…….harsh…lunatic?
(He walks away from her to show disinterest)
She: No, wait! You are saying that you are just killing your time because your plan of life successfully worked! And I am just stupid or you can say Lunatic who is not with the plan?
He: May be! But I am done with my plan, I have family!
She: and you are happy with it! Here you are just killing your time! Or may be second happy realization of Love!
(Silence)
She: You know what? Here’s the deal, I will enjoy your company and you enjoy mine! You, go back to US and then come to next summer! We will do same like today! No need to measure the depth, width and grounds of these stupid meetings! We are just talking nothing else ;-)
He: and this is the way, Miss. Sunshine solves the problem!
She: (with surprised face) seriously? Did I solve the problem? S-O-L-V-E-D? SOLVED?
He: yaah, I mean- at least- it is in better position now!
(She is happy; they are walking away from the public eyes)
She: you know, you make me feel like a Marilyn Monroe!
He: why?
She: you picturised me like that!
He: come on, you are not THAT beautiful!
She: Ok! Then …charmful?
He: give me a break!
She: “I am having proper life”
He: Right! That’s what you think!
She: No… that’s what everybody thinks!
He: who everybody? Your dad? Your mother? Or your all those stupid friends who think – ‘I don’t give fuck to the damn world’- who thinks you have proper life!”
She: Well, last one was right! My friends! But come on I THINK I have proper life.
He: Seriously? ‘You’ think? … … … … … … … Ok! Tell me what kind of eggs you like?
She: Huh…
He: I mean boiled, fried, half-boil or half fried… what kind of?
She: (smiling) well …any type!
He: No! that’s not the answer
She: Why … I mean…
He: shut up! What’s your favorite color?
She: Purple!
He: Good! Last to last summer it was Red!
She: Oh god! You sounds like Richard Gere in Runaway Bride!
He: what is your Mom’s favorite dish?
She: I don’t know!
He: Great, and you call this is Indian family?
She: Oh well! What do you want me to show?
He: I want to show you how redicoulsly you respond to your surroundings!
She: Ow Wow! Mr. Barve, you think I don’t react to my surroundings? At least you don’t say that ? I was the first who told you that you look like Hugh Grant!
He: No No…so many girls-in fact cheergirls said this to me when I was in college!
She: Oh god! Whatever … but I respond, didn’t I?
He: No but that was you respond for your feelings…
She: Yah! Feelings about my surroundings!
He: you can’t be serious, can you?
She: ….I am serious…say!
He: hmm…you are not same the way you were!
She: huh? Explain!
He: It’s like… In short and sweet way… You are Fake, now! Now don’t scream! (silence for minute)
She: yah! So true!
He: true? You mean you know that?
She: yes! Who knows it better than me?
He: Right! … so… you know it… you’re still following it?
She: yah, I am!
He: Tell me Honey what's up with you?
She: I was so natural when I was in love with you! But was that possible to go ahead with it?
He: Honey! That is like something was not possible!
She: yes! It wasn’t possible! And you know why it wasn’t possible? Because we did think for my family as well yours! And it was Me- Fake Me- since that time! And you know what if I wouldn’t be fake, then I might don’t think for your son, your wife and not even for my dad! At this moment we mite be together- like Americans! It just didn’t happen because I became Fake!
He: Oh God! You can still make me Speechless!
She: Hahahaha… yah I can, but it is just with you!
He: hmmm..
(surrounding is suddenly silent)
She: its late! Bye … you go to your hotel! I will take auto.
He: No, I want to drop you! It’s 8!
She: I am not kid anymore dear!
He: when were you, Miss?
Both laughed!
